The Fairy Tale Rap Sheets

After seeing's website, I've decided that they're missing out on a large group of felons. I'm referring, of course, to the childhood stories that we all grew up with. So, as a follow-up to those stories, I'm providing a "where are they now?" update for you. If you have any fairy tales you would like updated, .

Goldilocks and the Three Bears - Ms. Locks, or should I say inmate 130-224-811, is currently serving 3 to 9 years under a plea arrangement for breaking & entering, burglary, and theft by conversion. She would have gotten off with only 18 months under sentencing guidelines, but she had priors for burglary and disorderly conduct and was charged as an adult.

Jack and the Beanstalk - Jack was arrested for breaking and entering, as well as burglary. Those charges were upgraded to include first degree murder after the death of the giant. Jack's mom was charged as a co-conspirator. Jack lost a pre-trial motion to use self-defense as a motive, since it was clearly Jack's mom who chopped down the beanstalk. The Giant's estate, lead by his brother, the Ogre from the next mountain, is suing Jack and his mom for the theft and damages to the Giant's house. The Hen that Jack had taken was ordered to be turned over to a foster family, pending the outcome of the civil and criminal verdicts.

Hansel and Gretel - After being found not guilty on murder charges in the death of the old woman (the jury bought their story of self-defense), they were indicted on charges of theft by taking for the bit of the old woman's house that they ate when they were hungry. Although the case is still pending, they have a good attorney, who will plead them down to a misdemeanor charge, and they will get off with time served. Also, their records will get sealed a juvenille offenders.

Cinderella - Although this story had a "happy ending" for Cinderella, her stepmother was charged with child endangerment for leaving Cinderella home alone and assigning her dangerous tasks to complete, especially for having her mop near some bare electrical wires. Her two stepsisters were also charged with domestic abuse for their harassment of Cinderella. They could've avoided charges, but they continued to mouth-off to the officers who arrived on the scene, and the officers decided to charge them too. Rumor has it that now that Cinderella has access to the Prince's legal team, she's also filed a civil suit against the three for violating her Civil Rights. The local paper has been trying to get pictures of Jesse Jackson, who was said to visit her in her castle "purely as an advisor."

Snow White - After marrying the Prince, Snow White pleaded for the release of the Queen from the dungeons after the King threw the bitter woman in chains. Since the King had a soft spot for Snow, he let the old woman go into the woods. While in the woods, she encountered the Seven Dwarfs, who promptly dragged her ass into a clearing, and beat her like a red-headed step-child. The former Queen lay bleeding in the clearing until a pack of wolves came upon her, and they tore her remains apart. All Seven Dwarfs were quickly rounded up and charged, but weren't mirandized properly, and the charges had to be thrown out on that technicality.

The Three Little Pigs - After police arrived, the Three Little Pigs were taken into separate interrogation rooms to get their stories. When police compared notes, they agreed that they had probable cause (pending a line-up) to charge the Wolf with two counts of destruction of property and three counts of attempted murder. Unfortunately, the Wolf could not be located by the authorities, so the case is marked as solved but still open, pending apprehension of the Wolf. The Pigs have given police possible locations for the Wolf, but police were suspicious that the Pigs weren't completely forthcoming, especially as they were eating "steaks."


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